


i'd live for you (you know it's not true)

by angelblur



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Hallucinations, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-04-12 12:36:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4479467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelblur/pseuds/angelblur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he nods once. "please," he murmurs, standing on tip-toes to reach tyler's gentle, pouty lips. </p><p>they connect, and josh believes he may be flying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. o n e

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be very sad and fucking violent lots of blood and insanity you don't know what's real or not time moves strangly josh is fucking insane ok he is and tyler is his cherub but that could be bad please read the tags im mostly writing this to vent shit so! its fucked up stay safe

the walls bleed. the plaster oozes with gore and drips onto josh's fingers, and he watches in awe as chunks of indescribable organ dips onto his fingers. the room smells of death and sex, which, coincidentally, are two things josh has never experienced. the floor feels like it's seeping underneath him; he's really got to stop eating one of these days. he's going to sink into the carpet at this rate. 

his gaze flicks from the filthy wall to his wrists, which are so covered in red, josh can't see his own skin. he absently runs his tongue across the warm liquid, sighing as the copper taste hits his mouth and stings his tongue. it's a good burning, though, the pain that makes josh feel whole, complete, alive. however, as much as he laps at the gore, the more leaks from the gashes in his flesh and makes him lick faster; he'll never be enough to fix himself.

"joshua." a glitchy, distorted tone fills the room, and josh flutters his eyelashes shut as the room turns colder. he clenches his eyelids down, ignoring how the skin and muscle of his arms are dripping off; finally cracking them open again, he stares blankly at his now skeleton arms. 

"not today," he hoarsely whispers, fearfully looking up and facing the shadow who is speaking. it twitches, laces of silhouette making lines and trails around the air of the room, suffocating josh. "i can't do it again. please."

the shadow doesn't move, but the distant white noise it carries grows louder. "joshua," it repeats, and the mere tone of his words somehow raises josh onto his feet. "you must be strong."

josh begins to cry, heart-wrenching sobs leaving his busted lips as his now dissolving legs carry him to the bathroom. creaking the door open, he allows the shadow to follow him as he closes it and seeps to the floor, shuddering with wails while he reaches around underneath the sink. "please," he tries again, shaking, skinless fingers grasping the handle of the kitchen knife. "please, i hurt so bad."

"you must be strong," it repeats, arms stretching around the room and switching off the lights. the only break from the darkness is the cherub-shaped nightlight plugged above the sink, and josh takes in a heavy breath as he places the sharp blade to his still fleshy thigh. "joshua, you have to do this. be strong."

shoulders spasming, josh tilts the blade so it firmly presses into his skin. "i don't want to be strong anymore," he murmurs; even so, he digs the blade forwards and lets out a garbled hiss as his skin rips back. blood pours down his leg as he cuts further, watching his own flesh peel down against his bones; he feels the shadow's gentle edges caressing his sides, and it soothes him slightly as he twitches and groans. 

soon, the complete front of his thigh is gone, and he watches blankly as gore and muscle seep out from his skin and onto the cool, tile floor; the only things he can focus on are his own glowing mess of a limb and the angel on the sink, artificial light setting josh aflame. he cries louder, pressing his knees to his chest and screaming as his skin shifts and stretches with his movements. 

"you are so good, joshua," the shadow coos, and when josh looks up, angels flutter around the room and disappear into the shadow's gaping being. "you are strong. you are a beautiful, good boy."

smiling weakly, josh coughs blood onto his shirt and whimpers, "i'm beautiful?"

"the most beautiful boy in the whole of the universe," it reassures, darkness streaming into josh by his eyeballs and mouth, coaxing over his mauled thigh. "you have done very well."

josh has lost his hearing by this point, but that's alright. he sinks onto his side, watching the maggots wriggle from his flesh and sprawl onto the floor. birth, death, life. his mouth reopens and as he bawls, darkness leaves his throat and streams into the shadow. he feels himself slip from consciousness, and, as he drags his fingers over the wound and writhes in pain, he shakily swallows. 

he is beautiful. he is strong. the sun will rise, and he will try again.


	2. t w o

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _he knows, he knows_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay

there are glowing eyes embedded into the skin of the people josh loves, and he wants to help them by carving them out. he doesn't. the wound are for him only, him and the cherubs that crawl into his head at night. 

no one asks about his treacherous limp. he doesn't tell. 

there is a boy josh knows. he is gaunt and tall and full of crooked smiles and soft words. one time, as josh stared at the back of the classroom and hummed a satanic chant he saw on a wiccan website, the boy rested a calloused palm on his shoulder and whispered, "what are you looking at?"

josh didn't answer. he just hummed louder, stared harder, willed the boy's golden, radioactive hand to stop burning a hole into his shirt; the boy did not move, instead leaned closer and mumbled into josh's ear, "why are your jeans bloody?"

the bell rang, and josh quickly stood and staggered away. the boy's eyes lingered on his back, and his shirt set on fire as he stumbled down the hall. he hummed so loud, he couldn't hear the whispers of _he knows, he knows_ from the building's walls. 

the boy always watches josh now. they sit next to each other in numerous classes, and his hazel eyes are constantly focused on josh's shaky frame. the boy writes, josh notices (he should not notice. he should not pay attention to this boy. he should not care.). he writes small notes and fragments of sentences in a tiny, cursive font that makes josh squint to see them. josh swears he once saw latin incantations written there, but the boy'd quickly shut it as he saw josh looking. 

today, josh is rising from his seventh period class to go home. tentacles are rising from his backpack, but he shoves them down; when he gets home, he must tend to the mirror in his bathroom. there is a ghost living in it. as he stands, that familiar, stinging hand presses to his shoulder. "hello," the boy greets, lightly smiling as josh crams the tentacles back into his bag. "what's your name?"

josh looks up, staring blankly; does he have a name? he can't seem to remember being called anything, being addressed by a certain identity. even so, his bloody and bruised lips raggedly form, "josh," as he swings his bag over his shoulder. 

"tyler," the boy breathes, speech very close to the back of josh's neck as he follows him down the hall. "josh, your limp is worse than it was yesterday."

tightening his grip on his bag, josh nods once as he pushes the school doors open and treads into the light; it burns his eyes, and he squints as the sun's rays burn him into ash. "yes," he mumbles, watching his sneakered feet leave dipping craters in the cracked sidewalk; some grass and itty bitty flowers grow from underneath, and he makes sure to avoid those. "it is."

tyler stays silent at this, watching josh stagger around the sidewalk and keep his gaze cemented on the ground; as they reach a stop sign, tyler rests another hand on josh's shoulder. it does not burn this time, and josh wonders why. "i'm very worried about you," tyler notes, fingers running over the back of josh's neck and pressing against his spine. 

"no, you're not," josh responds softly, walking into the road without much precaution. "you think you are, but you're not."

tyler suddenly swivels around and stops in front of josh; his tall, wiry body blocks josh from progressing forwards, but he keeps his eyes locked on tyler's chest, bumping back and forth continuously. josh can hear his heartbeat like a drumline in his brain. "don't tell me how i feel," tyler mumbles, hands cupping josh's face with such love and concern, josh briefly asks himself how long tyler has sat next to him. "you're a very strange kid, you know that?"

"so i have been told." josh watches as roses spiral from tyler's easily visible ribcage and coil around him; they are very pretty, so he lightly presses his fingers to a stem. he hisses as he pricks his index, placing the tip of it in between his lips as he looks back up to tyler. "i must go home now."

tyler watches as josh drops his finger from his mouth, then places a hand on the side of josh's face. "no, you mustn't," he says softly, and he and josh are suddenly sitting on the sidewalk together. josh is leaning into tyler's garden of a chest, and he dreamily smiles as the leaves and petals engulf them both. it reminds him of the shadow. "stay here with me, josh."

josh stays.


	3. t h r e e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you are music."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comments nerds or else idk if i should continue

tyler is sitting on josh's bed, watching the clock tick, tick, tick, as josh tugs at his curls and watches the black hole of his floor swirl about. he should not have done this. he should not have let tyler into his home. he should not have trusted him. he should not have—

tyler is prying his hand away from his hair, lacing together their fingers as he whispers, "let me see your thigh."

josh shakes his head. the eyes in the walls glare harshly. "no."

"yes."

"no."

"yes."

" _no_."

"josh," tyler whispers, and the dandelions that flutter from his lips cascade around the room and frame josh's bed. 

"okay."

josh is in his briefs now. he'd usually find the time to be embarrassed, but tyler is gasping so loud, he forgets to. josh thought he'd bandaged his wound well, but tyler begins to speak of infections, and now josh is scared. tyler is unraveling the bandages, face contorting as he sees the full injury; it is bloody and skinless and disgusting, and tyler whispers, "baby," with sympathy and concern as he kisses josh's knee. lavender blooms from his wound, now, wrapping around his thigh and filling the room with it's sweet scent. it smells of springtime and tyler. 

josh likes that. 

tyler wraps josh's thigh in gauze and tape, lightly kissing the outline of the injury and rubbing josh's tummy when it starts to sting. that calms josh down a lot. he watches his belly coil into an abyssal universe and swallow tyler's hand whole, but josh can still feel his gaunt fingers rubbing against him, so it's dismissable for now. the stars from the supernova in josh's skin flutter onto tyler's arm, glittering and shining not unlike the glowing eyes in his shoulderblades; tyler is a section of harmonic space all on his own. an angelic chorus sounds in the back of josh's head. 

"you are music," josh softly notes, and tyler looks up, all curious eyes and fingernails made of daisies. 

"hm?" even as he speaks, piano keys nestle firmly on his knuckles. josh reaches out tentatively and plays a chord, stems curling around his hands and drawing him closer to tyler; he is very warm, and josh nestles into him as he plays more songs on his palms. 

josh does not clarify, and tyler does not ask again. he holds josh tight to his chest with treelimb arms and redwood legs, and josh's thigh aches, but it is alright. as tyler hums and josh lets the light from his flowers block out the dark shadow leering in the corner of the room, josh does not have to be strong. he does not have to be beautiful. he does not have to be good. 

he only has to be josh, with tyler. 

and that is alright.


	4. f o u r

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he sleeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmgmhmmgmhm the creepiness unfolds further thanks for the comments

"you must distance yourself from tyler."

josh blinks at the shadow's words, and he halts the blade's movement against his healed thigh. the right is still bound in tyler's lips, love, and bandages, but josh must be strong, yes? so what if he cannot walk? he must be strong. 

"what?" he whispers; a cherub lands on his left shoulder, and a swirl of the universe on his right. "why? he is very kind to me."

the shadow grows bigger, blocking out the light underneath the door and from the windows. "he is dangerous," it explains, words harsh and glitched out as josh stares down at the flowers littering the ground. "he does not want you to hurt yourself. he does not understand."

"i want to make him understand," josh murmurs desperately, reaching a hand to touch the tile and smile softly as the lilies on the ground wrap around his fingertips. they feel like tyler's hands. "i want him to know. i want to carve out his glowing eyes."

" _the wounds are only for you!_ " the shadow's voice has become high-pitched and loud, so piercingly deafening that the small windows above the shower crack. josh blinks, confused, before scrambling against the wall and letting out a smothered sob. the angel on his shoulder is blinking out, and the spacial matter won't stop expanding onto his arm. 

"why are you yelling?" he whimpers harshly, hesitating only slightly before jabbing his knife forwards to try and scare the thing away. "why are you being loud? stop it!"

the shadow surges once, filling the room with the almost indescribable feeling of dread, before swirling around josh's shaking, frail frame; the angel is gone now, and the universe has dripped into his collarbone. he hasn't eaten in a few days, so the shadow takes the advantage and seeps into his protruding ribcage. "tyler doesn't make you strong," it spits, and josh forces himself to close his eyes so he doesn't have to watch the walls crumbling. "tyler makes you weak, tyler makes you love, tyler makes you bad. do you want to be bad?"

quivering raggedly, josh shakes his head once before slashing the knife again; it does nothing, but the feeling of being protected by a weapon calms him some. "tyler thinks i'm good," he mumbles feebly, wincing as his head throbs and the shadow lurks deeper inside his bones. "tyler said he wants to fix me."

"you are _irreparable_ , joshua!" the shadow's voice become so unbearably loud, josh feels blood seeping from his ears as his bones shatter. he slumps to the ground as the shadow drifts to him, shrieking and limbs pouring into josh's skin. "you are broken! you are disgusting! you are filthy and wrong and unfixable! he will not help you! he will tear you from the sky and plant you in the ground!"

while josh shakes and feels the gore seep out of his flesh, he cracks open his eyes as the shadow focuses it's energy on josh's back. his spine begins to ripple, and suddenly, it's torn from his skin and rips a scream from his raw throat. something is growing and sprouting from his back, tearing away the skin and sending splatters of his insides against the sink and across the wall; something soft rubs against the wounds, and josh allows himself to drop the knife. he is unprotected. he is not a good boy. was he ever?

as he fades away once more, the last thing he hears past the screeching and breaking of glass is the shadow's soft, comforting tone in his decimated eardrums: "i will make you an angel, so he cannot bring you back to earth."

josh is encased in something feathery and large and warm, and he sleeps in the cocoon of softness and daisies as he dreams of the boy he must distance himself from. 

he floats above the ground, and he cannot reach tyler.


	5. f i v e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _angelic_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ho o o o ooo o

josh has been called angelic before: by his mother, before she killed herself in a drunken, psychotic sort of sadness; by his peers, classmates he's never spoken to but still revere his pale skin and soft features as otherworldly; by the shadow, the demon in the tile walls that whispers piercing lies into his senses. 

it's strange, now that it's literal. josh doesn't think he'll ever get used to the wings.

there's a lot of blood matted on them as he wakes the next morning; he staggers upwards, naked and shivering and hurting, and grips the bathroom mirror wildly. there's a pair of wings tucked into his shoulder blades, and he only mumbles a soft, "oh," before stepping into the freezing shower to wash away the blood. he likes it cold. the blood seeps away easier. 

as he lets the water drip down his thighs, he reaches his hands as far back as he can to flutter his fingertips over the soft expanse. they're brittle and wet, doused in the shower's spray, and josh cracks his sore shoulders and lets out a groan as his wings (that's weird to say) stretch out and whack against the wall. he hisses, tightening them back to his skin as he whacks water out of his ear. the flowers previously wrapped around them collapse to the ground, but he sees more sprouting from his freckled skin out of his peripheral vision. 

nice. 

stepping out, he changes his bandages before yawning in the mirror and tracing a happy face into the fog. he replicates it for a moment before letting his posture sag, jogging into his bedroom to get dressed. this proves to be a tad more difficult than usual. his shirt won't quite fit over the wings, so, with a grumble, josh cuts slits into the back and shoves it on. the wings splay outwards and fold over his shirt, and he sighs gently before pulling jeans and shoes on, tying his unruly hair back in a tight bun. he's too tired to do much more for his appearance. 

at school, nobody comments on the slits or the wings; josh isn't surprised, since once, when he had a small demon sitting on his shoulder who sang all day, no one seemed to notice. he greets tyler in first period with a shy wave, and tyler grins wide in response. josh usually waits for tyler to say hello first. 

he knows the shadow will be mad, but he has _wings_ now. he thinks he gets a bit of a break. 

"joshie! hey, joshie!" as josh steps out of seventh period, he smiles wide and feels the daisies in his wings glimmer when tyler jogs up behind him. it's a nickname tyler's assigned josh to, and he likes it. a lot. "joshie, wait!"

josh waits. he stands in the hallway until tyler's lanky frame has situate next to him. "hello, tyler," josh's hoarse, soft voice greets, and his cheeks heat up as tyler beams. 

"hello!" he simpers, opening the building's doors to allow josh to step through. josh smiles softly, ducking underneath tyler's arms as they step into the sunlight. "you seem very lively today. wanna tell me why?"

giggling gently at tyler's excited interest, josh switches his bag to his right arm and away from his wings as he falls in step with tyler. he hums slightly, gathering his thoughts; tyler stays silent for this ritual, having been subject to josh's curious noises as he rummages through his inner monologue. 

"...i used to say, 'i wanna die before i'm old,'" he eventually mumbles, a slight tune turning his words into a sort of song, "but because of you, i might think twice."

tyler remains quiet, letting a peaceful silence only interrupted by the leaves they crunch under their feet ferment around them; josh watches the clouds drift and interlap in the sky, and tyler's watches josh. "you're an angel," he eventually comments, and josh's wings begin to fluff as tyler's fingers slip into his. "thank you."

they walk the rest of the expanse of the sidewalk in silence, the gentle wind rustling josh's feathers and hair; at one point, tyler leans over to brush a lock from his eyes, to which josh falls scarlet. he doesn't know why. tyler's eyes crinkle up, and he quickly kisses his cheek as he calls him cute. josh cannot breathe.

once they arrive at the bundles of houses, tyler brings them both to a stop underneath a shade of trees. josh knows they're right by tyler's house, so he's slightly confused as to why they've stopped; but tyler's eyes seem knowing, and josh, if he had any left, feels like he could give tyler every bit of his trust. so he looks up to tyler's sharp face, lips quirking softly as tyler places the hand previously in his against his cheek. josh's wings expand in surprise, making his bag collapse to the ground, but tyler only gives it a minor glance before turning back to josh.

"may i kiss you?" he questions, head cocking slightly as all the blood in josh's body begins to flow twice as fast. the flowers are coiling around them both, drawing tyler to press a bit closer, and josh thinks that maybe, perhaps, he is in love. 

he nods once. "please," he murmurs, standing on tip-toes to reach tyler's gentle, pouty lips. 

they connect, and josh believes he may be flying.


	6. s i x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he is transcendent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut

tyler's room is much different than josh's. where josh's is cold and empty, tyler's is warm and full; he has a desk in the corner, with textbooks and notebooks and pencils and a ukulele and a couple keychains and nine empty water bottles. next to the desk is a dresser, clean and neat while the drawers remain open. josh sees tyler's underwear, and he blushes. he seems to be doing that a lot. 

tyler also has a bed. that's where he and josh lay as of now. josh internally reasons that he shouldn't be embarrassed about seeing tyler's boxers since they're both naked, but he still is. it's instinctual, he supposes. he also briefly wonders why his wings don't hurt, being shoved against the mattress as they are; but they don't feel smothered or trapped, as he would've assumed. they feel free, as if josh is in the clouds instead of between tyler's sheets. 

his skin is hot to the touch, and josh marvels at how elegantly their bodies clash; his pale, scarred frame writhes under the lankiness of tyler's tanned bones, and josh lets his eyes briefly scan over the mysterious white lines on tyler's stomach. he splays a hand over it, and tyler huffs an affectionate laugh in josh's ear. 

"can i move now?" he hums, placing a few wet kisses across josh's throat as his calloused fingertips dance over his hips. josh stays quiet, rubbing circles into the slightly protruding flesh of tyler's tummy; he eventually darts his shy eyes upwards, where they meet tyler's sparkling gaze. 

josh grins so big, he squints. "yeah," he affirms, moving his palms to the small of tyler's back. tyler smiles back, leaning over to peck him once before jutting his hips. every single nerve in josh's body sets aflame at the movement, and he finds he cannot control the weird noises leaving his lips as tyler builds a strange rhythm. he has never done something like this before. in fact, he sort of assumed he never would. he has been proven delightfully wrong. 

flowers begin to fall from tyler's mouth as he gasps, and they press firmly to josh's skin as he wraps his legs around tyler's hips. his heart thuds against his ribcage, shoulders twisting as he shakes atop the mattress; tyler is very good at this. josh wants to ask if he's done this before, but he finds that he cannot formulate proper sentences at this time. he'll ask later. 

"tyler." the word has no purpose, no designated reason to be raggedly whispered, but josh does it anyways. tyler seems to understand; he begins to angle himself differently, as if searching for something. josh keeps his eyes focused on the small beads of sweat forming on tyler's temple. this boy is very gorgeous, with his furrowed brow and pointed cheekbones and light scruff dotting his face. josh absently murmurs his observations, gliding his hands up tyler's spine to the back of his neck. tyler grins crookedly.

he finds what he's looking for. josh moans, neck craning against the pillowcase as he jolts against tyler. his guts are twisting, but not in the bad way, and he mouths at tyler's collarbone desperately as he keens into his skin. tyler coos gently, chest slumping against josh's as his thrusts become messy, uncoordinated; josh doesn't care. he watches tulips curl into tyler's hair, which is wet and matted to his perfectly proportional skull. his fingers tighten against tyler's back, now falling to his shoulders as he grips tighter; tiny whimpers flutter from his throat like the petals cascading down tyler's face. 

"you're so beautiful," tyler whispers. josh blinks, at first associating this with the shadow; but, somehow, it sounds a lot better when tyler says it. josh tries to speak, but all that comes out is a strangled cry as his erection grinds into tyler's torso, and his eyes cinch shut as time seems to slow. 

"tyler," he mumbles again, burying his heated face into tyler's neck. "tyler, tyler, tyler."

"josh," tyler pants, palms of his hands pushing josh's legs against his chest, and that seems to make the most sense out of anything he has ever said. 

josh comes. his skin tightens as his muscles spasm, eyes shooting open to meet with tyler's glistening pair. he gapes in the air, trying to speak, but everything is moving so fast and needy that all he can focus on it the roughness of his orgasm. tyler's jaw drops, and his entire body sags as he quickly follows after josh; the flowers have completely blossomed, and, through wet, hooded eyelids, josh watches them quiver with tyler's body. he is transcendent.

tyler does not move for a very long time, and josh does not complain. he rubs geometric patterns into tyler's skin as he tries to compose himself, and josh feels his wings relax as tyler finally pulls out. he merely collapses next to josh, who, impulsively, curls into his side. tyler shifts so he is holding josh, fingers petting his fluffing wings with an innocent sort of afterglow. josh knows his face is crimson, his lips parted, his skin sweaty; even so, he finds himself believing it when tyler kisses him slowly and calls him pretty. 

josh doesn't ask how many times tyler has done this. it does not matter. he just presses himself closer to his chest, legs tangling with his and arms draped over his waist. he feels tyler's small, gentle hands gliding over the bandages, but he feels no shame today; he feels accepted, wanted. tyler makes him feel okay, and not the artificial okay that the shadow gives him. it is all real. 

"i love you." it comes out before josh can stop it, but, although he realizes he probably should've kept that to himself, he knows it to be true. he has never felt such a love in his life, if any; nobody had ever made him feel happy like this. he means it. 

tyler shifts back so they're eye-to-eye, and josh is slightly relieved to see the small, timid smile quirking tyler's lips upwards. "yeah?" he murmurs, brushing josh's dripping locks out of his eyes. 

"yes," josh grins, teeth glimmering in the dim light illuminating the room. his smile is interrupted by tyler's lips on his, and he melts into his hold as he finally allows himself to feel safe. 

"i love you, too," tyler whispers into his mouth, and josh feels as if he may cry. 

however, as he slowly begins to doze off in tyler's arms, he watches as a single flower coils around tyler's shoulder. it sprouts thorns, and they slice two x's into his skin. josh watches as the blood drips down tyler's arm, and he tries to feel afraid. tyler is here, though, and he can't shake the feeling of being protected, although it is probably false. 

he does not know if this is a good thing. 

he sleeps, and he dreams of bloody roses and tyler's lips on his neck.


	7. s e v e n

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kisses.  
> asks.  
> cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaaaa i dont kno !

tyler's kitchen is colder than the inside of josh's chest, and he shivers as his bare feet bounce atop the tile floor. tyler notices, and the sunlight blinking through the windows illuminate his adoring smile as he carefully picks josh up and places him on the rim of the counter. he stands on tip-toes to kiss him softly, tiny hands gripping his lovehandles before turning back to his task of locating breakfast. josh spent the night. he's never slept better. 

the shadow is hovering in the doorway as tyler quietly hums to himself, and josh tears his gaze away from his shimmying hips to the darkness in the wood. it's glaring at him, glitchy and white eyes peering in angry slits at josh's lax position. he's not as cold as he was before, but he still wraps arms around himself and shudders. 

"josh?" he whips his head from staring at the door to tyler, who's got a box of lucky charms balanced on his hip as he cocks his head to the side in curiosity. "whatcha looking at?"

josh turns his head back to the door, but his hands go clammy as he realizes the shadow is gone. "uh," he swallows, hand reaching up to tug subliminally at his unruly, frizzy curls. "nothin'."

nose scrunching up, tyler strides over to josh and places the box down next to him; he presses his face into josh's bare shoulder and litters shy kisses over his multitude of freckles, grinning at the flush that grows over josh's pale skin. "okay," he hums, winding his lanky arms around josh's waist and fluttering his eyelashes shut in bliss as josh absently rests his lips in his hair. 

josh sees the shadow hissing and spitting from the doorway again. "i'm scared," he breathes. the shadow surges in rage as tyler tugs back a bit, resting his forehead against josh's as his palms hover over his waist. 

"of what, baby?" he mumbles, and josh's heart promptly melts and runs across his organs. god, the things tyler does to him; he almost forgets about the anger emitting from the opposite end of the room. 

almost. 

"i don't know," he eventually whispers, closing his eyes as tightly as possible so he won't be forced to look into tyler's. "everything? nothing? i don't know."

he feels tyler's thumb brushing against his cheekbone, and he cracks open his watery eyelids to focus on tyler's gaze. he's electrifying in the way he stares, the way he keeps josh still and silent. 

"are you scared of me?" 

the room has gone dark, since the shadow has covered the window and blocked out the sunshine; josh lets a tear dribble down his fast as his bottom lip pokes out and tyler holds him closer. 

"should i be?"

tyler is quiet. the shadow is quiet. 

josh cries.


	8. e i g h t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he notices the halo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi

“you didn’t listen! you’ve been bad!”

although the verbal warfare barrages josh like physical weaponry, he forces his trembling thighs to lock together and keep still in his bedroom. last night, when tyler had snuck in through his window and sheepishly asked for bandages to change on his fists, he had replaced every single dead light bulb in josh’s house. “you need to let the light in sometimes,” he’d coaxed, sarcastically pressing his hands to the artificial light and warming himself up. josh’d rolled his eyes and pried him away, but he’d secretly appreciated it.

tonight, as the brisk wind from outside creaks the door frames and dampens the eaves of the house, josh adorns one of tyler’s large sweatshirts and his own baggy jeans. slipping on his ratty sneakers, he can’t fight a grin; for the first night in a long while, he feels adequately warm in his borrowed clothes.

“joshua!” wincing, he laces his fingers together behind his head and glares into the bathroom, where the glitchy, furious tone emits from. “bad, bad boy! bad! you must hurt yourself! now!”

his hands shake as he zips up his bag, but not out of fear. not this time. “no.” he bares his teeth, which tyler has praised to be sharp and gorgeous. “i have somewhere to be tonight. there will be no blood.”

“there is always blood.” it’s ragged frame has followed josh into the main hallway, hissing as he flips his hood over his head, growling as he happily wiggles his butt to the music playing softly from his phone. “you must hurt to be clean.”

scoffing with a bravery josh is ecstatic to possess, he picks at the chipping yellow nail polish on his thumbnail as he leans against the front door. “i don’t want to be clean. i don’t have to be. i have him.”

with that, josh swings open the door and slams it in it’s face, pretending it can’t just slip through it and follow him. he overly-cheerily slams his feet into the puddles left over from that afternoon’s shower, anticipating the next quick bout of rainfall as he shoulders his bag and sets off down the street. a few blocks over is tyler’s house, his planned destination; tyler’d soothingly explained that he wanted to show him something, and to try not to stress about it. as impossible as that was, josh had nodded dumbly before plopping himself firmly in tyler’s lap. sweet.

he knows where tyler lives from a couple of days ago when they’d raced there after school to greet tyler’s siblings when they arrived home from school. the shortest, jay, had shown josh how to make origami swans. his slightly younger sister, maddie, was shyer and more reserved, but still smiled as wide as ever when josh bowed slightly and mumbled a stuttered, “princess,” in polite, pretend greeting. he loves them as if they were his own siblings. he’s never had any. it’s nice.

he’s violently torn from his silent reverie by the shadow, who’s dark fingernails burrow into his shoulders and jostle him. “these people are dangerous to you!” it growls, black, swampy abysses of it’s eyes glaring into his brown, sharp ones. “these people mean you more harm than you can imagine!”

“isn’t that a little inane?” he asks flatly, a hint of sarcasm learned from tyler littering into his speech. “it’s the twenty-first century. is xenophobia really necessary?”

a piercing screech echoes around the dimly-lit neighborhood, but josh barely flinches. he’s heard this desperate, pleading spiel one too many times to be affected again; just as the shadow goes to speak, josh breaks into a sprint. backpack jostling against his lower spine, he tries his best not to stumble over his calves as he’s angrily chased, dark clouds of smoke billowing at his ankles. his lungs aching, he shyly ignores his tummy’s incessant bouncing as he pivots around the last corner and barrels towards tyler’s house.

the split-second the shadow ceases him by the nape of the neck, he raps against the door and giggles as jay rapidly opens it and shrieks, “josh!”

“hey, j,” josh grins, ruffling his hair as jay spins and rears into the back of the house, messy ringlets of brunette bouncing at the nape of his neck. taking a gentle step in, josh offers a smug smile towards the shadow before slamming the door shut. 

what an asshole.

peeling off his shoes and dropping the hood, josh gives a slightly more welcoming smile to maddie, who timidly follows jay as they sprint in. “hi, mads,” he purrs sweetly, making maddie flush absolutely red and cower behind someone’s legs. that someone laughs loudly, ruffling maddie’s long, blonde mop before carefully shaking her off and striding up to meet josh.

“me and maddie, we think the same,” tyler grins, nuzzling josh’s face before smartly pinching his hip and spinning off. “say hi to dad before you run upstairs. everyone’s excited to see you.”

this makes josh’s heart cease in a slight panic, but it eases as he watches tyler’s dainty thighs dance up the stairs. it’s an art piece he could watch many times over. maddie and jay clutching a leg, respectively, josh tromps his chubby self into the kitchen, where he cranes his neck and grins at the man at the stove. “hey, mr. joseph,” he greets, laughing to himself as the man gives a half-wave. a flatterer.

he manages to shake the two kids off as he arrives in front of tyler’s door. having isolated himself for so long, josh can barely get a grip on his wiling nerves; he distractedly watches the vines of ivy coil around the wall and against the doorknob before gripping it with his thick hand. he hisses as it singes his palm, but forces himself to turn it and push the door open.

“took you long enough,” tyler beams, and it’s only then, under the glow of the streetlights outside his window and dressed in sweatpants and a tank top, that josh notices his halo.

he can only grin, knees shaking and belly jiggling with his surprise. “i'm here now,” he squeaks barely above a whisper, licking his suddenly dry lips a few times. is this what tyler was to show him? that josh isn’t crazy? that they both have been punished by these heavenly curses and were brought together by these cherubs and their angelic forces?

“true,” tyler grins, walking his barefooted self over the soft carpet and wrapping his lanky arms around josh with the warmth he’s come to associate with his coffee stain eyes and gentle yet protective grip. “you wanna see what i wanted to show you?”

nodding with as little hesitation as he can, josh fixates his eyes on the shining band of gold hovering over tyler’s slightly poufy hair; the light illuminates the messiness of it, indicating that he probably doesn’t brush it on the weekends. the imperfection of that fact fills josh with that warmth again, the warmth that keeps him sane (mostly) and safe (mostly). as he busies himself with these idle observations, tyler’s rummaging rapidly through his closet, tossing shoe boxes and clothes behind him in a rapid succession. after a few moments, he flips around in a flurry of a smug grin as he shakes something proudly in front of him. josh holds his breath in anxious apprehension.

“it's a skateboard!” tyler chirps, oblivious to josh’s short intake of confused breath. spinning the front axle with a strong flick, he shoots his arms forwards to thrust into josh’s face. he eyes him with a faint blush. “so, uh, you know.you don’t step on the flowers.”

the brief disappointment josh felt at the ignorance towards the halo dissipates as tyler’s usually calm face nervously looks down. he doesn’t know the extent of josh’s illnesses, couldn't possibly begin to comprehend the daily horrors he forces himself to ignore each day. he knows about the flowers, and the creatures he sometimes sees, and the certain order of doing things he as to follow.

he doesn’t know about the shadow person. he can’t.

but, he does notice as josh toddles over petals in the road and almost screams when he narrowly avoids falling leaves. he notices, and remembers, and cares.

josh holds the skateboard tightly in his arms before replacing it with tyler.

his angel.


	9. n i n e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End It

it hasn’t rained in columbus for the longest time. the barrage of autumn rainy days has somehow dried up, leaving the dew on the grass outside and the condensation clouding the windows to serve as substitutes. when it finally rains again, however, it doesn’t just sprinkle or drizzle or patter against the gravel.

it rains hard.

josh’s shirt clings to his torso wetly as he speeds down the alley streets, having to squint his eyes against the wind and precipitation. the soles of his shoes fit perfectly atop the material of the skateboard, locking his into place and satisfactorily working his body. he grows hot as he feels his thighs mash together and cheeks hurt, but he ignores it. he has bigger plans.

the first of the day is to escape. he can’t tell if the blood under his fingernails is even his anymore, but that doesn’t make it dry any faster. the redness clinging to his skin dots his wings, which he has to fight to keep closed to his shoulder blades; he doesn’t want to know what happens if the wind catches in them and sends him flying. he saves that knowledge for later.

skating down the slippery corners, he lets out an aggravated groan as the shadow’s limbs seep into his spine. No matter how hard he pivots himself, he can’t shake it off. he’s terrified that he’ll shake too hard and crash to the ground, but he doesn’t let it know that; he just keeps hauling down the darkening streets. the sunlight he figured he’d need is steadily fading, only remaining in the sliver of horizon in front of his. he’s almost out of time.

“faster,” the shadow purrs, feeling almost human in structure as it hugs josh’s back. “such pretty wings, going to such waste. you’re being brave, josh. you know that?”

josh hates himself for happily glowing.

finally grinding to a stop, josh flips the board up and presses it to his chest as the shadow begins to walk next to him; every time he tries to directly look at it, however, it blurs and warps. it makes his head pound, so he forces himself to look forwards as he traverses the fields on the outskirts of the city. he hasn’t been here in so long, so the familiar squelching of the soaking mud underfoot makes him feel warm in the midst of this freezing rain. the shadow holds his hand. he pretends not to notice.

ducking under a large oak tree right next to his goal, he slumps against it tiredly and, with rain still pouring down his face, begins to speak. “this is good, right?” he babbles, shaking under the shadow’s fierce look. he can only fight back with tyler’s strength, and today, he is without. “i’m being good? he makes me feel good, I know, but i’m just—i’m going to hurt him, i know i am. these wings, his halo; i’m steadily lowering, while he only ascends. he’s an angel, he’s clean, he’s pure. i’m dirty and filthy and bad. he only makes me feel like i’m flying. i am bad.”

“today, you will be a good boy,” it soothes, slowly nudging his to the tall building of the old abandoned factories from years ago that litter the fields. “today, you will fly.”

josh only nods. he believes it.

suddenly, with almost no warning or second to breathe, josh’s been led to the roof of the building. with wide pupils, he looks around in fear; when his eyes adjust to the immediate fogginess of the high atmosphere, he staggers a step backwards and straight into the seemingly frostbitten arms of the shadow. “no,” he hisses, clinging to it’s wrists and forcing himself to visualize solid flesh to dig his fingernails into. he understands now, sort of, but as much as he trusts the rockiness of his mental state, he still fears death as much as he begs for it.

the shadow merely holds his hands, and he loses all awareness of everything else except for it. it’s all he’s ever known, in a life of neglect and coldness and fear. It’s always been this. “yes,” it implores, nudging him a ways back towards the ledge of the building. the dizzying distance to the ground makes his stomach lurch, clawing at his skin walls and screaming for escape. “you want to be pure for your love, yes? _this_ is how you become pure.”

tyler. just the mention of him gives Josh the braveness to toddle his shaking self up to the ledge. for tyler, he will be a good boy.

for tyler, he will fly. 

•••

“i have to see him!”

jay and maddie's jaws hang open as their brother shoves his feet into the closest pair of sneakers he can find. their dad’s face drains of all color, a sickly paper white clinging to his usually stern features as he tries to ease him. “we should wait here,” he soothes, reaching a hand over to still his movements. “we don’t know his condition yet.”

the smack that sounds when tyler swats his father’s hand away echoes throughout the house, shaking the walls and tugging a fearful squeak from maddie’s throat. “it’s my fault, dad,” he shrills, thick teardrops clouding up his vision but not deterring him from snatching his mom’s keys from the counter. “i knew he was unstable! i knew—the flowers, the angels, all of it! i could have saved him! _i could have carved out his glowing eyes!_ ”

without a second look back, tyler sprints into the midnight rain, sobbing.

the car starts after three desperate spins of the keys, and tyler’s tearing down the neighborhood streets wildly. he’s only driven twice, both on slow trips to the store with his mom, but he eventually decides that she won’t mind. josh is in trouble, dying in a hospital bed because tyler couldn't muster up the guts to talk to him about it. he can knock the teeth out of the senior football captain, but he can’t talk to his own boyfriend. he can barely see the entrance to the freeway through his tears.

something keeps blocking his rear view mirror with shadowy blackness, but he hardly notices through all his inner panicking. being the only contact on josh’s phone, tyler had been called by columbus state hospital to inform him of josh’s critical condition: found broken and mostly dead, gargling his own bones and blood. the very image makes tyler ache all over.

less than a mile to the hospital, the car begins to wobble under the gravel, and tyler finally peers at the murkiness in his mirrors. what he’s greeted with makes his scream hollowly in fear, emptily, hopelessly. he can taste death on the roof of his mouth.

a shadowy silhouette, fanged mouth grinning with malice and red eyes glimmering. “your flowers have died,” it speaks softly, a gravelly undertone catching in tyler’s eardrums.

he feels the wheel turn under his fingers. the last thing he knows is the ground below the highway, broken glass, and the comforting softness of josh’s lips whispering promises of bouquets into his neck.


	10. t e n

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> end.

the sudden halt of a heart monitor is the purest feeling josh’s ever felt. his wings ruffle, then tuck into his pale, scarred back. they vanish, as does he. 

he is finally clean.

___

“it’s strange, really; the bible never said anything about seeing angels after i die.”

“funny. i’ve been seeing you all my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u zo much for stickjng w me thru this story im so emotional i lov u tbis is the first chaptersd ive actuallt FINISHED besides this 1 daft punk one but thtz another story .thank u for reading


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